Lipstick on her words

My goal: fix Sarah Palin.

By “fix,” I don’t mean like a dog. That would be cruel, although some would argue it’s necessary. And I don’t mean I would change her political positions — that is against the rules. Instead, the ultimate task is much greater: take the things Sarah Palin has said and make them sound smart.

I’m not implying Sarah Palin is dumb; she just doesn’t sound like those people in Washington. She is an everyday person, like me and you. She is Jill Six-pack. And since I’m pretty much the definition of Joe Six-pack, the best way to fix Sarah is to combine the two of us into one super candidate: Vice President 12-pack.

So here we go.

***

“As for that VP talk all the time, I’ll tell you, I still can’t answer that question until somebody answers for me: What is it exactly that the VP does every day?” — Palin, July 31, before her nomination

We were referring to Vice President Dick Cheney, who has skewed the office of vice president by overstepping his authority. Therefore, we were trying to say that we would only accept the VP position once Sen. McCain clearly, and constitutionally, defined it.

In addition, we will admit we do not know what the vice president does everyday. But we know the goals of the job. When elected, the people do not want us to follow Dick’s daily routine. Because, if we copied Dick, our mornings would involve putting in dentures, applying Rogaine and cleaning shotguns. Well, actually, we like to clean our shotguns in the morning, too. But anyway, look at the mess Dick’s routine got America into. Instead, I plan to forge my own routine like a true maverick.

“It’s very important when you consider even national security issues with Russia as Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where — where do they go? It’s Alaska. It’s just right over the border. “ — Palin, Sept. 24, in a CBS interview with Katie Couric (broadcast Sept. 25)

We know we have been ridiculed, especially by the honorable Tina Fey, for saying our foreign policy experience is sufficient because we governed the state next to Russia. But our dear state has always dealt with the threat of Russian attacks, and for the media to mock that threat is disheartening to the Alaskan people. Most of the media, holed up in East Coast cities, have no idea what it is like to live with that threat. They think they can see Russia with their fancy urban telescopes, but all we need is our librarian’s glasses.

“All of ’em, any of ’em that have been in front of me over all these years.” — Palin, Sept. 29, in a CBS interview with Katie Couric when asked what newspapers and magazines she regularly reads (broadcast Sept. 30)

Before we respond here, we must tell the people that we read our newspapers online to save paper and help the environment. Although we believe man is not solely responsible for global warming, we feel it is our duty to take responsibility for it.

As for the newspapers, we think it is ridiculous that the media thinks we cannot name a single newspaper. Like most other well-educated citizens, we read The New York Times and The Washington Post. But we’re into online media, too: the Huffington Post, Drudge Report and Wonkette.

“I may not answer the questions that either the moderator or you want to hear, but I’m going to talk straight to the American people and let them know my track record also.” — Palin, Oct. 2 at the vice-presidential debate in St. Louis, Mo.

We got much flak for saying we wouldn’t answer the questions. However, this doesn’t mean we were not going to address the issues. Instead, we want to address the issues differently than most of those in Washington. Why? Well, have you ever watched CSPAN? They use the lipstick of fancy words to cover up the pig of vague policy ideas. But in the end, it’s still vague. That is simply unfair to the American people.

“In what respect?” — Palin, Sept. 11, when asked by ABC’s Charles Gibson about the Bush Doctrine

Many people felt that we should have known what the Bush Doctrine is. They felt our lack of an answer showed our insufficient knowledge on foreign policy. However, the definition of the doctrine is still evolving, and that is why we asked Charlie to clarify. In fact, it was first coined by newspaper columnist Charles Krauthammer, and political pundits have since used the term and applied it to multiple principles the Bush administration has championed.

But we must emphasize that Joe Six-pack does not know what the Bush Doctrine is. In fact, we know that most of you making fun of us had to secretly Google the definition of “Bush Doctrine.” Therefore, we believe it was unwise of Charlie to use the vague term. Instead, as a journalist, he should have been clear and used the term “preemptive strike” because that is what he was implying.

“I watched with the volume all the way down. I thought it was hilarious. I thought she was spot on ... It was hilarious. Again, didn’t hear a word she said, but the visual, spot on.” — Palin, Sept. 17, on Tina Fey’s impression of her on Saturday Night Live

We expect every comedian to vote for us because we have been the greatest gift to comedy since Dick Cheney shot the guy.

No, but really, Tina is a very talented woman. However, we do not appreciate being mocked for our personal mannerisms. We are not great with rhetoric, but that does not mean we are not intelligent. It should not disqualify us from serving in office.

And just imagine what kind of force we would be if we could make our words sound good. Then the American people would actually understand what we and our opponents have to say. They would stop amusing themselves to death.

Alvin Chang is a columnist and former editor-in-chief. E-mail him at achang@nyunews.com.

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